I wish I had a friend like me

an open letter

I wish I had a friend like me. I wish I had someone who would drop everything to be there for me when I almost feel like giving up on my breath. I wish I had someone who wouldn’t abandon me instead. I wish I had someone who would be a friend rather than just saying we are friends. I wish I had someone who would stay, someone who would choose me. Someone who would hold my hand through the dark tunnel.

So many times in my life I have had this thought, you know? How would it feel if I had a friend like me? But September 2023 gave me two brutal realizations:

1. I was hurt because my ‘friends’ did not choose me, because they abandoned me. But I did not choose me as well. I abandoned my inner child too. The little girl in me needed a friend, needed love, needed compassion. But I chose to fight the world instead of loving her. So what am I complaining about?

2. I started hating the word and the meaning of ‘friendship’. I was angry because I lost so many people so quickly. And then I wrote this-

   i wouldn’t be here

   if it weren’t for everyone who left

   but i also wouldn’t be here

   if it weren’t for everyone who stayed

You see? when we are grieving something, it is easy to forget who was grieving along with us. And it’s okay. I spent years with the pain of being abandoned. But when I started healing, I started focusing on feeling grateful for people I have now.

I am glad I had the bad experience with friendship, though. Because it helped me unlearn the definition of friendship I knew. It helped me learn what friendship truly is, and that what I knew earlier, was not friendship. At least not the type I appreciate.

So, yes. I still wish I had a friend like me. This helps me understand two things:

1. I am worthy enough in my eyes to wish for a friend like me. So yay to blooming self-esteem.

2. I was lonely, not because people left me, but because I left me too. And wanting to be my own friend tells me that I am ready to come back to myself.

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Hey you!

Thank you so much for reading my post. I hope it helps you in any capacity it can. If you have struggled with friendships, I want to tell you that it gets better. Even if it feels like it won’t. I was once a person who hated friendships with the same passion that I have for writing. And if I can come out of this, I believe you can too. Sending love, hope, strength, and peace.

Love
Yashvi